I haven’t blogged in what seems like forever but I’ve
felt the urge to do so over the past couple of days and so here I am.
Wondering where I was and how I’d gotten back to a place I thought I’d left
never to return, I realized I was stuck in a rut. While trying to figure out what God wanted me to do
next, ever so quietly I'd slipped
back into living life mostly for myself- the
monotonous routine of waking up everyday, going to work just hoping for it to be over, and
the next day to be done even quicker. Praying that somehow God would would tell me what to do next.
I’ve been aching for something more. Aching to
find the place where I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing; doing what I’m
destined for. My heart is being pulled in so many directions that I feel I'm just stuck in the intersection wondering which way to turn. As I’ve been struggling
I’ve slowly started to draw closer to God and over the past few weeks He’s been
speaking to me in so many ways. My mind has been overwhelmed with His
revelations and goodness.
Last night I went to church downtown (More Than 12)
with my sisters and a friend. The pastor spoke about the story in the bible
where Jesus walks on water. He spoke words that were very real, very new and
relatable to me. It was almost as if He was preaching specifically to me. As He
put the pieces together I became aware of something that’s been stopping me
from living life in the way Jesus wants. Fear. How could something I’ve
conquered so many times suddenly overtake me again and so sneakily? While I was
on my missions trip fear was something I needed to conquer often. I had loving
teammates who nudged me forward, held my hand, cheered me on and then rejoiced
with me. Although it wasn’t easy I constantly laid aside my fear and asked for
Jesus to step in and lead me forward. I saw and experienced God in so many new
ways. Often times I realized what I’d been afraid of all along was really
nothing to be afraid of at all but something that I actually enjoyed. But
somehow, since being home, that fear had grabbed a hold of me once more.
One of the points in the sermon was the fact that only
one of the disciples got out of the boat. They were all scared of the storm and
being in the boat and yet they were also afraid of getting out of it and
stepping onto the water. They didn’t like where they were, yet were afraid to
move forward. That’s how I’ve felt. I haven’t exactly liked where I am but in
some ways I’ve been afraid to move forward into the unknown.
A thought came to me on the way home from my Young
Adults group tonight. Satan is more than happy to have us waiting for God to
tell us what we should do with our lives, or where to go next and He is going
to do all He can to keep us in that place. I feel like satan twists our own
words. He takes them from being a beautiful act of trust and then attacks us
with fear so that we’re afraid to step out and go where we think God might be
leading. (I’m not saying it’s bad to wait on the Lord for leading- I think it’s
wonderful but examine your heart to see if satan might be taking advantage of
your situation.)
Honestly, I do want Gods will for my life and
oftentimes I feel like God is placing so many different options in front of me
that I get confused and don’t know where to go. So I wait hoping that God will
be more specific and just choose one for me, partly because I’m scared I’ll
pick the “wrong thing”. What if God does want us to choose what we do with our
lives? Psalm 37:4 says, delight yourself
in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. To me, taking delight in the Lord means
taking delight in His character and His heart. So as we do that our hearts are
being lined up with His, they are being filled with pure dreams, passions and
desires and He wants to give us those desires! He WANTS to give us the desires
our hearts! So here’s the thing- if you love God and seek to please Him and
what your heart desires is something that lines up with the bible and will
bring glory to Jesus’ name, how could that be the wrong thing? I feel God is
calling us to step out in faith. He can use us in any and every situation. If
we try something and that isn’t the direction He wants us, He won’t let it
happen and instead bring something else along for us. Who convinced us that we
shouldn’t try out different leads in case of things not working out? All things- not some things- ALL
things work together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) Trying something isn’t a
failure, it’s a victory. A victory because you stepped out in faith, desiring
to be where you think God wants you. A victory because He uses every situation
for good and in turn brings glory to His name.
God has already given us PURPOSE for our lives. If you
want specific, here is specific, it’s to love Him with our whole hearts, to
love our neighbors as ourselves, to serve others and to bring His kingdom on
earth. Loving Jesus and the people around us with everything we have is our
calling. That should be our “career”, our goal, our passion. What could more fulfilling
than that?
I know this is long, so if you’re reading this I hope
I’ve been able to transfer what is in my heart onto the “paper” in a way that
makes sense to you (please keep in mind that as I'm finishing this it is now 1:15 am lol) The reason i want to share all of this
because when God puts these things in my heart I can’t help but do so. I pray
for His blessings and leading in your life.
